Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
