What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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