Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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