shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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