I could make wine with my vomit
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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