I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i think my cat just said my name.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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