are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
