Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
