Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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