Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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