Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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