Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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