I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
