I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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