I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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