My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
a search helicopter?!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
