my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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