I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
