here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
