Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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