yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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