hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
