when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
