why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
