I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
