My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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