So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
