apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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