have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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