She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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