i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
