Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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