If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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