like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
