He uses pillows to masturbate.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
