I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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