I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
