So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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