I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
