i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
