I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
