I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sarcasm needs its own font
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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