Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.