who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect