***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
