new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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