If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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