weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
