upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
