I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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