Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
