they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I believe in your delicious
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
