So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
