I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
