I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
