He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
