If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
