....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
