then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
